Archive for July, 2009

Please take action today in honor of Indi

Daddy and Indi, originally uploaded by MADNAP.

Please see the post written by Amy Philo on the BREATH and Bitter Pill blogs concerning what you can do to take action against current legislation moving through Congress (massive screening and treatment / intervention programs included in health care reform, as well as The MOTHERS Act), and help save lives not already lost to psychotropic drugs.

http://tinyurl.com/lxeldw

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To Indi from your daddy.

Oh Indiana. Its your da da dad here, I miss you so very much. One year ago you were born, and I remember how things were so different. You were born early – but I was just so excited to have you here.

To hold you, to kiss your little face, we had no idea that you were going through things you shouldn’t have. Every day I think of how things could have been different, if we had only known. I’m so sorry.

You blessed our lives on a beautiful Saturday evening July 26, 2008 and made me the proudest father of all time. Every morning I watched the sky with great anticipation for your arrival~ The hues of pink and gold let me know you were a girl long before any doctor could. I remember talking to you out loud, even though you were still among the stars, and I cherish the quiet moments when I heard you answer back.

I could loose myself in your blue eyes, and watch our lives play out to perfection, you’ve brought me such a level of completeness. Indi, you stayed such a brief period of time- yet softened so many hard corners in my life. I always think of you when I feel the warmth of the sun on my face. You are so strong, so brave and so beautiful.

There are times when the sorrow is so strong I don’t know how to cope. Only God knows – I’m standing up today, but some are better than others. Even now as I write this, my only wish is to go to your bedroom and pick you up, and love on you, and give you a “big belly ride“. Just to hold you and bear witness to the miracle that you are. You are the guiding star of our family. We think of you everyday, and wonder about how you would have grown up… who would you be? What would you like? Who would you have become? Our lives are so different now. Your brothers and sister miss you so much. They are growing up in a world without you, we all are. It’s a world with lessons for us all. I miss you Indiana Star. I wish I could change everything. I wish I had all the time back to change your future.

Shine Indiana Star, shine bright for all to see. I am so proud of you. Happy Birthday, I love you.

Your daddy~

To Indiana on your 1st birthday…

My Dearest Indi,

I wish I could say it is a Happy Birthday…… I wish I could say a whole lot of things…… Time is closing in on the day you were born, right now it is 11:41 p.m. July 25th 2009.…. And I am beside myself with the pain of knowing you’re not here to celebrate this most special day of yours……I am missing you so much, words just cannot justify. I just can’t believe it was a year ago, it feels like yesterday. I try and visualize what you would look like and the things you would be doing. But I can’t, to me the way you will stay in my heart and in my memory’s is the way you were the last moments we had with each other….. You will forever be my little baby angel girl. It is now 11:51 p.m. Nine more minutes…. I feel you with me, and I feel you inspire me to go on. People say that time heals all wounds, but I feel that some wounds run just too deep. I have to go on, but baby girl I just don’t understand…. It’s 11:56 p.m….. 11:59.………12:00.…………Happy Birthday little one…………………………………………………………..

I knew today was going to be a difficult milestone to make it through……..July 26, 2009. Today my baby girl you are 1 year old…. I remember one year ago this morning, having contractions close together and telling your daddy that we needed to make it to the hospital. Everything although early seemed like it was going to be ok….. I watch the tape of when you were born and how we naively had no idea of the days that would soon follow. You were so beautiful and chubby, and had the wisest feeling about you. I was so excited to share life with you. Our family was complete and I felt as if I were the luckiest mom in the whole world. One of my favorite memories I deeply cherish, is when I came into the NICU and saw you under the warmer. Your daddy and the nurses had given you a bath and did your beautiful dark hair and put a cute little red and white bow in it…. I came over to your side and listening to my voice you just looked at me…..at that moment I melted and was overwhelmed with so much love……In fact now I have the hardest time listening to that song “The first time ever I saw your face” because that moment is and will be forever unforgettable. That was our moment…..

My sweetest blue eyed angel. I will miss your tender baby smells, and the sounds of your breathing fast when you were hungry, the grunts you would make while stretching and your cutest itty bitty bum. Giving you baths and holding you close, touching your skin and just watching you for hours. Kissing you, tickling you, holding your hands, and rocking in our chair. Baby Star, I love you so much, I am missing you so much. I know you’re here with me but I long for the day to have you back in my arms. I am blessed, I am honored, I am grateful to have been your mother….. You have been the greatest gift from God and I have been eternally touched by an angel. So until the day we meet again, I will cherish your most precious memories, in the deepest richest parts of my soul….. Happy Birthday Indiana, I love you forever….your mommy


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