To Indiana on your 1st birthday…

My Dearest Indi,

I wish I could say it is a Happy Birthday…… I wish I could say a whole lot of things…… Time is closing in on the day you were born, right now it is 11:41 p.m. July 25th 2009.…. And I am beside myself with the pain of knowing you’re not here to celebrate this most special day of yours……I am missing you so much, words just cannot justify. I just can’t believe it was a year ago, it feels like yesterday. I try and visualize what you would look like and the things you would be doing. But I can’t, to me the way you will stay in my heart and in my memory’s is the way you were the last moments we had with each other….. You will forever be my little baby angel girl. It is now 11:51 p.m. Nine more minutes…. I feel you with me, and I feel you inspire me to go on. People say that time heals all wounds, but I feel that some wounds run just too deep. I have to go on, but baby girl I just don’t understand…. It’s 11:56 p.m….. 11:59.………12:00.…………Happy Birthday little one…………………………………………………………..

I knew today was going to be a difficult milestone to make it through……..July 26, 2009. Today my baby girl you are 1 year old…. I remember one year ago this morning, having contractions close together and telling your daddy that we needed to make it to the hospital. Everything although early seemed like it was going to be ok….. I watch the tape of when you were born and how we naively had no idea of the days that would soon follow. You were so beautiful and chubby, and had the wisest feeling about you. I was so excited to share life with you. Our family was complete and I felt as if I were the luckiest mom in the whole world. One of my favorite memories I deeply cherish, is when I came into the NICU and saw you under the warmer. Your daddy and the nurses had given you a bath and did your beautiful dark hair and put a cute little red and white bow in it…. I came over to your side and listening to my voice you just looked at me… that moment I melted and was overwhelmed with so much love……In fact now I have the hardest time listening to that song “The first time ever I saw your face” because that moment is and will be forever unforgettable. That was our moment…..

My sweetest blue eyed angel. I will miss your tender baby smells, and the sounds of your breathing fast when you were hungry, the grunts you would make while stretching and your cutest itty bitty bum. Giving you baths and holding you close, touching your skin and just watching you for hours. Kissing you, tickling you, holding your hands, and rocking in our chair. Baby Star, I love you so much, I am missing you so much. I know you’re here with me but I long for the day to have you back in my arms. I am blessed, I am honored, I am grateful to have been your mother….. You have been the greatest gift from God and I have been eternally touched by an angel. So until the day we meet again, I will cherish your most precious memories, in the deepest richest parts of my soul….. Happy Birthday Indiana, I love you forever….your mommy

5 Responses to “To Indiana on your 1st birthday…”

  1. 1 schultzc July 26, 2009 at 7:08 pm

    I know it doesn’t seem like much, but you were blessed with so much time with her. When Matthew’s birthday comes up, what memories will I have of him? I am in tears reading your letter, because I understand your pain. I am also filled with sadness that I feel you were lucky to have that time with her, even if it was so short. She knew you were her mommy and she knew you loved and still do love her. If only my angel had looked at me when I talked to him then maybe I would feel like I truly know he knew I was his mommy and loved him. I hope you get through this difficult day by holding on to those wonderful memories of her and I pray that I can have your strength to get through Matthew’s birthday when the time comes. Happy Birthday Indiana.

  2. 2 joelphilo July 26, 2009 at 9:09 pm

    Happy Birthday Indi. You were and are loved. We will all see her again someday. Keep the faith. I really don’t know what to say, except that I am touched by your family’s loss and by Indi.

  3. 3 Amy Philo July 26, 2009 at 10:30 pm

    Christian this is beautiful. Thinking of you today.

  4. 4 Monika July 27, 2009 at 2:04 am

    I believe that your children know you are the mother without ever having seen you. They lived within you for months, heard your heartbeat, the blood flowing through you, every motion your body made, the baby felt. Your body fed the infant, they heard your voice whenever you spoke and the voices of those around you. Every emotion you felt, they felt. They know. Whether they’ve seen you, or not. I hope that might help 🙂

  5. 5 Selena Berry July 28, 2009 at 6:42 pm

    I know the pain of losing a child although it wasn’t from antidepressants. I know that she is waiting for you in Heaven and you will spend eternity together. These drugs are just another way for the devil to steal away our children and try to destory our families. Our answers and our healing must come from God and not depend on the advice is the psyco-therapists who just want to write prescriptions and get a cut from the pharmaceutical companies. I’m sorry for your loss and our prayers are with you and your family. The pain is always there but the Lord gives us strength and His joy to carry on. God bless you.

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