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To Indi from your daddy.

Oh Indiana. Its your da da dad here, I miss you so very much. One year ago you were born, and I remember how things were so different. You were born early – but I was just so excited to have you here.

To hold you, to kiss your little face, we had no idea that you were going through things you shouldn’t have. Every day I think of how things could have been different, if we had only known. I’m so sorry.

You blessed our lives on a beautiful Saturday evening July 26, 2008 and made me the proudest father of all time. Every morning I watched the sky with great anticipation for your arrival~ The hues of pink and gold let me know you were a girl long before any doctor could. I remember talking to you out loud, even though you were still among the stars, and I cherish the quiet moments when I heard you answer back.

I could loose myself in your blue eyes, and watch our lives play out to perfection, you’ve brought me such a level of completeness. Indi, you stayed such a brief period of time- yet softened so many hard corners in my life. I always think of you when I feel the warmth of the sun on my face. You are so strong, so brave and so beautiful.

There are times when the sorrow is so strong I don’t know how to cope. Only God knows – I’m standing up today, but some are better than others. Even now as I write this, my only wish is to go to your bedroom and pick you up, and love on you, and give you a “big belly ride“. Just to hold you and bear witness to the miracle that you are. You are the guiding star of our family. We think of you everyday, and wonder about how you would have grown up… who would you be? What would you like? Who would you have become? Our lives are so different now. Your brothers and sister miss you so much. They are growing up in a world without you, we all are. It’s a world with lessons for us all. I miss you Indiana Star. I wish I could change everything. I wish I had all the time back to change your future.

Shine Indiana Star, shine bright for all to see. I am so proud of you. Happy Birthday, I love you.

Your daddy~

To Indiana on your 1st birthday…

My Dearest Indi,

I wish I could say it is a Happy Birthday…… I wish I could say a whole lot of things…… Time is closing in on the day you were born, right now it is 11:41 p.m. July 25th 2009.…. And I am beside myself with the pain of knowing you’re not here to celebrate this most special day of yours……I am missing you so much, words just cannot justify. I just can’t believe it was a year ago, it feels like yesterday. I try and visualize what you would look like and the things you would be doing. But I can’t, to me the way you will stay in my heart and in my memory’s is the way you were the last moments we had with each other….. You will forever be my little baby angel girl. It is now 11:51 p.m. Nine more minutes…. I feel you with me, and I feel you inspire me to go on. People say that time heals all wounds, but I feel that some wounds run just too deep. I have to go on, but baby girl I just don’t understand…. It’s 11:56 p.m….. 11:59.………12:00.…………Happy Birthday little one…………………………………………………………..

I knew today was going to be a difficult milestone to make it through……..July 26, 2009. Today my baby girl you are 1 year old…. I remember one year ago this morning, having contractions close together and telling your daddy that we needed to make it to the hospital. Everything although early seemed like it was going to be ok….. I watch the tape of when you were born and how we naively had no idea of the days that would soon follow. You were so beautiful and chubby, and had the wisest feeling about you. I was so excited to share life with you. Our family was complete and I felt as if I were the luckiest mom in the whole world. One of my favorite memories I deeply cherish, is when I came into the NICU and saw you under the warmer. Your daddy and the nurses had given you a bath and did your beautiful dark hair and put a cute little red and white bow in it…. I came over to your side and listening to my voice you just looked at me…..at that moment I melted and was overwhelmed with so much love……In fact now I have the hardest time listening to that song “The first time ever I saw your face” because that moment is and will be forever unforgettable. That was our moment…..

My sweetest blue eyed angel. I will miss your tender baby smells, and the sounds of your breathing fast when you were hungry, the grunts you would make while stretching and your cutest itty bitty bum. Giving you baths and holding you close, touching your skin and just watching you for hours. Kissing you, tickling you, holding your hands, and rocking in our chair. Baby Star, I love you so much, I am missing you so much. I know you’re here with me but I long for the day to have you back in my arms. I am blessed, I am honored, I am grateful to have been your mother….. You have been the greatest gift from God and I have been eternally touched by an angel. So until the day we meet again, I will cherish your most precious memories, in the deepest richest parts of my soul….. Happy Birthday Indiana, I love you forever….your mommy

Zachary Stowe Doesn’t Get to Claim “Paroxetine Undetectable in Amniotic Fluid” for GSK

http://tinyurl.com/lybcqr

From Amy Philo on the MADNAP blog, “BREATH”:

Zachary Stowe Doesn’t Get to Claim “Paroxetine Undetectable in Amniotic Fluid” for GSK

2009 June 11

Go to this PDF and scroll to the last page (28) to read this email from Emory psychiatrist Zachary Stowe to GSK (http://www.box.net/shared/cl96iq53eb). Here’s a relevant excerpt:

Hi ____

DAMN IT – just wanted to let you know the amniotic fluid results are now complete for about 20 subjects (4 on paroxetine <2, <2, <2, 3 ng/ml) certainly lower than the others but lost my title of paroxetine undetectable in amniotic fluid. She was taking 60 mg/day+other medications. This is still the least. I will have the manuscript to you for review right after I finish grant stuff.

Zachary “DAMN IT” Stowe loses his title of “paroxetine undetectable in amniotic fluid.” That’s right, he was writing a manuscript called “paroxetine undetectable in amniotic fluid.” He had the title all picked out before even doing the research. And from the looks of this there were potentially other women tested prior to this batch of 20, who had amniotic fluid with higher concentrations of some kind of psychotropic drug.

And, in case you missed it, GSK reviews his scientific papers before he publishes them. Oh, and he’s getting FEDERAL grants to study antidepressants in pregnant women. MOTHERS Act, anyone?

Earlier on in the letter, Grassley refers to a disturbing memo regarding a Paxil and Breast Milk press release. According to this blog, it went something like this:

Meanwhile, Stowe outlined some dealings with Glaxo in a deposition last year taken as part of a lawsuit claiming that Paxil isn’t safe for pregnant women. Stowe was questioned in detail about a 2000 email from an outside public-relations firm to a marketing executive at Glaxo about a planned press release for a new study. The study, conducted by Stowe, found Paxil is safe for breast-feeding mothers. The PR firm’s email to Glaxo reads:

Please review the attached press release and forward me any comments/edits. As you may know, Dr. Stowe is on board for publicity efforts and Sherri and I are coordinating time to meet with him next week to arm him with key messages for this announcement, which is slated for early February. We are sending the release for his review at the same time in efforts to secure distribution on Emory letterhead (as you know, would provide further credibility to data for the media).

In the deposition, Stowe said the quotes in the press release were his own. “They wrote it, we said it,” Stowe said of the involvement of the public-relations agency. As for the assertion by the PR official that Stowe was being provided with “key messages,” the psychiatrist called that “just typical public relations crap” and he said in the deposition he never received help from the PR officials.

I found numerous reports in the MedWatch tables of an Adverse Event that included Drug Exposure Via Breast Milk for Paxil. These included sedation and “hypersomnia.” The SIDS report in the tables for Paxil was “Drug Exposure Via Pregnancy” and “Drug Exposure Via Breast Milk.”

FDA MedWatch Reports show the following infant deaths from SSRIs alone:

Class Drug Name Cases ISRs Abortions & Miscarriages Deaths Deaths Neonatal Intra-Uterine Deaths Stillbirths Sudden Infant Death Syndrome Total
SSRIs Celexa (citalopram) 204 315 41 1 3 9 2 1 57
Cipralex, Lexapro (escitalopram) 174 300 36 1 1 6 1 2 47
Luvox (fluvoxamine) 16 25 5 1 6
Paxil, Seroxat (paroxetine) 2,516 4,140 104 39 4 15 11 1 174
Prozac (fluoxetine) 358 435 45 4 2 1 52
Zoloft (sertraline) 410 537 57 2 7 7 15 87
SSRI Totals 3,678 5,752 288 48 16 37 30 4 423

Counter Punch: MOTHERS Act Looms as Drug Industry Scam

CounterPunch:

Mothers’ Act Looms as Drug Industry Scam

FDA Throws Lifeline to Antipsychotic Pushers

By EVELYN PRINGLE

http://www.counterpunch.org/pringle06122009.html

Where are all the Effexor babies?

I was just sitting here looking at pictures of Christiane Shultz and her baby Matthew’s pictures. The question crossed my mind of how many people have actually lost their infants to Effexor? No doctor is going to tell you that it was due to the medication. For one thing, they don’t want to get sued, and for another, they have no clue what it is they are prescribing except for what the cutie from the pharmaceutical company has told them. Big Pharma says there is no science to conclude this drug to be as dangerous as they already admit it could be (read the manufacter warning labels for exposure of Effexor during pregnancy and breastfeeding). But really how are they supposed to know if no testing has been done, right? Currently that is their safety net. Surely Christiane and myself and our families are not the only ones who have had such heartbreaking loss due to this horrible drug. But if you look on the internet there is not much posted except for the warnings.

Where are our Effexor babies? Are they just getting passed over and not being given the right to tell their story, just because  the lack of science? They have obviously had to do some research to come up with their warnings so where is all the science? And how do we get Effexor danger out from being  in the closet?  When do greiving families get to know the truth about what really happened? Every time I see an obituary for an infant who died of “SIDS” I wonder if the mother was using antidepressants. The more people that we can get to come forward and say it may be possible that they too have lost an infant to Effexor, the more voices – the louder our cry will be. In doing so we are able to reach out to  those that may put a stop to this murderous act. No one deserves to be used as an experiment, and I just wonder how many out there are questioning with no solid answers as I have.

My eyes are wide open…

I used to think ignorance was bliss, the less I knew of the dangers out there the better. I grew up in a small town and have always carried that mentality throughout life. Listen to your elders, respect your neighbors, honor your parents etc. I still believe in old school tradition although it is long since the days of trusting just anyone. What happened to the days of innocence? Now people are taking advantage of others  left and right just to satisfy their own personal greed, with no sense of responsibility for their actions.

I realize that doctors are not God, but the average person trusts that they are pretty much close to it. That’s why they make the big bucks, right? We all trust they know what they are doing…  Now that I see the bigger picture, I realize that  doctors have at their  fingertips any number of chemicals that take the fundamentals out of our healthcare system. They don’t teach healthy living, they are promoting disease, by ignoring the basic communication of our bodies. This method of practicing medicine is being abused to no avail and doctors are becoming lost in the network of  bigger, faster, better, more. 

I am a victim of the ignorance of my doctors, who blatantly disregarded any warnings and told me my baby would be just fine during my pregnancy and with breastfeeding.  They allowed my baby girl to suffer and die, because they didn’t find it necessary to take the time to research what they were so willing to give out.  Now I sit and ask myself  how I could have been so blind. What made me look the other way? And how could I have put my baby at risk the way I did? 

It all comes down to trust. I trusted. This came at such a huge price to me and my family. The only way I can even deal with the guilt is to try and think of a reason why this had to happen, because I know now that I can’t always trust in doctors but I feel in my heart that I can still trust in God. I know he would not have let this happen if it were not for some seriously important reason. I believe Indiana did what she had to do so that people will realize what hell lies out there.  It is no coincidence that in time this coincides with the MOTHERS Act. She is trying to voice her truth to those who will listen. Indiana Star is my angel and she has a purpose to her life, and by damn I owe it to her to help and do what I can so that other mothers and fathers and children will not have to go through the pain, loss, and guilt, that has torn through our hearts. 

This whole ugly problem is all about greed and who gets what out of it. Really? Is it that hard to determine between right and wrong? I do know that my four year old knows the difference and it all comes down to his time outs, his responsibility for his actions. He has the fundamentals of what it takes to be a good person.

I ask myself “Well doesn’t it hurt their buisness when they get sued?”

No, I find out! They might be sued for four billion dollars but there making forty billion dollars on top of that! They don’t care, they are still bringing in outrageous amounts of money and our government is letting them get away with it because,  Why? I have asked myself this question over and over again but there is not one answer that could possibly make sense of this type of horrible injustice… 

Right now they have no responsibility for what they are doing.  Our country is in for a hell like no other if the MOTHERS Act passes, or the doctors continue to be ignorant about such issues and I pray for all those innocent victims out there. Our healthcare system is failing us, but I will not be one to lay down and take it. Indiana means too much to me to just chalk this up to just another accident and let big pharma get away with having no respect for life.

This is far from over, and in fact our family’s  journey has just begun. I look forward to doing my part in stopping this unbelievable crime and truly giving Indiana her voice to do so. Bless all of you out there searching for answers, do what your heart tells you and know there is a network of support.

In Memory of Indiana


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